“A preface to ‘The Sapiosexual Erotophile'”
I started this blog/collection of erotic and sex-positive writings on December 9th, 2020. That day, I just couldn’t stop thinking about sex! I felt overwhelmed by my love for this sacred subject, and as perhaps you might guess, a writer, often enough, will write about that which overwhelms them. This cathartic sort of writing is a form of “talking it out,” taking a closer look at the concrete significance of intensely abstract and/or not yet verbalized thoughts and feelings. It offers just a little bit of clarification!
Mistakenly, for about a decade– around the time I was 25 until now, at 34– I permitted the stigma surrounding sexuality to serve as a pretext for repressing my love for sex, and its sacredness/spirituality. Already an insecure and anxious person, at least in certain respects, this led me to grow increasingly shy about my sexuality. Shame and guilt took over. I would slip into bouts of self-hatred for the intensity of my lust for certain women, my horniness, my love of porn and wanking. But it never quite made sense to me! How can sexuality be deemed “bad” or “dirty” or “adults only” content, when a fairly significant portion of the population wants it and wants it often, with variety, with passion, et cetera!
“We’re all perverts,”
as sexologist and co-author of Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, Christopher Ryan puts it.
Even though I kept on questioning the widespread uptightness and zealously expressed “disgust” for sexuality, I thought that maybe, ultimately, other people were simply better at containing and controlling the sexual madness of many a human psyche. And so, on I went, repressed and dishonest with myself.
But, as you perhaps have experienced for yourself, dramatic life events and crises–like a pandemic, and worse, a pandemic when Donald Trump is president– can compel a person to reflect on life, death, mortality, ethics, values, desires, hopes, et cetera, and sometimes this sort of reflecting can lead you to certain realizations.
This was the case for me. It occurred to me that I revere sex, as very little in life makes me feel more alive, spiritual, and connected to my mind and body. My insecurities must be dispelled, I thought! I thought, it’s time to explore my curiosities, and grow comfortable with my fascination, to celebrate and savor it!
I was also inspired by a few people.
I discovered her porn and fell in love with it because it changed the way I thought and felt about sex, and about porn as well. Her passionate mission to produce ETHICAL porn rather moved me. Moreover, that her films capture not just sex, but a sense of the people who are having sex, spoke to my aesthetic ideals. And turn ons! The forum she provides for sexual partners to share their self-made sex videos, and the special attention placed on the female experience of sexual pleasure and expression also turns me on immensely, and excites me.
Hot porn that drives the conversation about porn and sex in the direction of ethics and what it means to enjoy fulfilling erotic relationships is quite appealing, from the sapiosexual perspective, since it is sexy and general, AND INTELLECTUAL!
I’ve also been exploring the work of Erika Lust, whose values are similar to Paulita Pappel’s. (While Paulita Pappel’s work is more documentary styled, Erika Lust’s is often fictional.)
(Brief digression here. Funny experience: walking while listening to Dr. Nagoski project her voice as she says:
…and there’s this woman walking past my dog and I, and I’m wondering 1) can she hear Dr. Nagoski because I’m playing it too loud [with headphones on, iphones can still be loud]? 2) If she did hear it, would she be disgusted or sex positive?
Anyway, I hope, if you read any of these pieces, you find them erotic and sex positive!
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