The Sapiosexual Erotophile: a collection of erotic and sex-positive writings

“Enya Saari Interviewing a Man She’s Interested in Turning Into a ‘Porn Star’” (an erotic flash fiction)

She’s interviewing me on Skype for her next pornographic film. “I’m going to make you rich!” (and herself richer), she says. “A fucking porn star!” Ha! Not that I believe her. First of all, Stardom overall… is dead. And there’s something bittersweet about it: less inequality, more opportunities. More opportunities, however, means an over-saturation into […]

Addressing the intimidation I feel when writing to women I admire, such as Paulita Pappel, Amanda Montell, and Erika Lust. (experimenting with a more diaristic and extemporaneous style)

Yesterday, I wrote an email to erotic film director Erika Lust, expressing my interest in writing for her Lustzine. Ms. Lust is the second “big name” in ethical porn I’ve reached out to since I’ve decided to seek work in a role that helps me contribute to sex-positive professionals. Last weekend, I reached out to […]

Erotic film actress Heidi Switch makes porn and body image deeper (and promotes more ethics)

“Put yourself on the pedestal,” said “adult performer” (what do actresses and actors in XXX movies prefer to be called? “Porn star?” “Adult film actress/actor?” “erotica entertainer?” Wikipedia—which I always hate to cite, but is a fine enough source for this context—lists “pornographic film actor/actress, adult entertainer, porn star” and lists “actor” and “sex worker” […]

Some thoughts on Dr. Emily Nagoski’s book *Come As You Are*

Almost a year of isolation a’ la social distancing, “uncertain times” and “the new normal” (as of this writing it’s been almost ten months) gets depressing and requires nearly unprecedented efforts to keep optimistic. One thing that’s come to “lift my spirits” (and in fact, my penis sometimes) is taking hour long walks with my […]

Some thoughts on The Ethical Slut (part book review, part personal essay)

In early October of 2019, at the suggestion of a former therapist, in response to my telling her that I found myself thinking about sex almost all the time (and that I hated myself for it, fearing I must have been some sort of “pervert” and that I was betraying my wife for constantly wanting […]

Erectile dysfunction/wood trouble in young men: some of my experiences and reflections

So far as I can recall, back in 2006, treatment for young men suffering from Erectile Dysfunction (such as services provided by Roman [or Ro, as the company sometimes refers to itself] ,wasn’t advertised on any mainstream platforms as they are now on television commercials and Facebook ads. References to Viagra might have made you […]

Paulita Pappel, Lustery, Ersties, and my corrective emotional experience concerning sex and porn

Paulita Pappel, Lustery, Ertsies and my corrective emotional experience concerning sex and porn Paulita Pappel, a 33 year old, Spanish, sex positive feminist filmmaker, pornographer, and founder of lustery.com, and a force behind ersties.com, profoundly changed the way I think and feel about love, sex, women, and pornography. I had an emotionally corrective experience I […]

How to feel sexy and hot when complimenting a woman you find sexy and hot…

I would feel a lot sexier if I could reduce the intense social anxiety that often seizes me, especially in group conversations. It’s not just women who I’m especially attracted to who intimidate me (ah, what a bitter-sweet type of intimidation; the outstandingness of the feeling so timeless and enlivening, those intense surges of excitement!) […]

Some thoughts on desiring to be hot and sexy

I have a bad habit of destroying my sexiness (yes, for the first time in my 34 year life, I grant myself the possession of sex appeal and permission to acknowledge it; on what basis? On what grounds? On the basis and grounds of wanting to feel and be HEALTHY! Proceeding from the premise that […]

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“A preface to ‘The Sapiosexual Erotophile'”

I started this blog/collection of erotic and sex-positive writings on December 9th, 2020. That day, I just couldn’t stop thinking about sex! I felt overwhelmed by my love for this sacred subject, and as perhaps you might guess, a writer, often enough, will write about that which overwhelms them. This cathartic sort of writing is a form of “talking it out,” taking a closer look at the concrete significance of intensely abstract and/or not yet verbalized thoughts and feelings. It offers just a little bit of clarification!

Mistakenly, for about a decade– around the time I was 25 until now, at 34– I permitted the stigma surrounding sexuality to serve as a pretext for repressing my love for sex, and its sacredness/spirituality. Already an insecure and anxious person, at least in certain respects, this led me to grow increasingly shy about my sexuality. Shame and guilt took over. I would slip into bouts of self-hatred for the intensity of my lust for certain women, my horniness, my love of porn and wanking. But it never quite made sense to me! How can sexuality be deemed “bad” or “dirty” or “adults only” content, when a fairly significant portion of the population wants it and wants it often, with variety, with passion, et cetera!

“We’re all perverts,”

as sexologist and co-author of Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, Christopher Ryan puts it.

Even though I kept on questioning the widespread uptightness and zealously expressed “disgust” for sexuality, I thought that maybe, ultimately, other people were simply better at containing and controlling the sexual madness of many a human psyche. And so, on I went, repressed and dishonest with myself.

But, as you perhaps have experienced for yourself, dramatic life events and crises–like a pandemic, and worse, a pandemic when Donald Trump is president– can compel a person to reflect on life, death, mortality, ethics, values, desires, hopes, et cetera, and sometimes this sort of reflecting can lead you to certain realizations.

This was the case for me. It occurred to me that I revere sex, as very little in life makes me feel more alive, spiritual, and connected to my mind and body. My insecurities must be dispelled, I thought! I thought, it’s time to explore my curiosities, and grow comfortable with my fascination, to celebrate and savor it!

I was also inspired by a few people.

First and foremost: Lustery creator, Paulita Pappel.

I discovered her porn and fell in love with it because it changed the way I thought and felt about sex, and about porn as well. Her passionate mission to produce ETHICAL porn rather moved me. Moreover, that her films capture not just sex, but a sense of the people who are having sex, spoke to my aesthetic ideals. And turn ons! The forum she provides for sexual partners to share their self-made sex videos, and the special attention placed on the female experience of sexual pleasure and expression also turns me on immensely, and excites me.

Hot porn that drives the conversation about porn and sex in the direction of ethics and what it means to enjoy fulfilling erotic relationships is quite appealing, from the sapiosexual perspective, since it is sexy and general, AND INTELLECTUAL!

I’ve also been exploring the work of Erika Lust, whose values are similar to Paulita Pappel’s. (While Paulita Pappel’s work is more documentary styled, Erika Lust’s is often fictional.)

Then there’s my recent enjoyment from reading Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski and listening to it on audio while walking, cleaning, et cetera.

(Brief digression here. Funny experience: walking while listening to Dr. Nagoski project her voice as she says:

“I want an animated GIF of a woman pointing to her clitoris to go viral on the internet. I want a billboard in Times Square. I want everyone to know!”

…and there’s this woman walking past my dog and I, and I’m wondering 1) can she hear Dr. Nagoski because I’m playing it too loud [with headphones on, iphones can still be loud]? 2) If she did hear it, would she be disgusted or sex positive?

Anyway, I hope, if you read any of these pieces, you find them erotic and sex positive!

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