THE DIARY OF SEAN O’CONNOR
Sometimes, I just need to “free write” (“first thought, best thought” as the Beat writers put it), and verbalize my thoughts and feelings as they transpire in my mind.
Throughout much of the summer of 2020 I thought I might devote myself to “the diary” as a literary genre, however that didn’t hold, and now I just write which ever medium suits my purposes. Thus, you may read in some of these entries, very gung-ho passionate declarations, which contradict remarks I may have made before or after. One of the fascinating things about a diary entry is that it’s written spontaneously. The purpose is not to compose a polished piece of literature. Rather, at least from my point of view, the purpose is to orient one’s mind…in a very “mindfulness” styled approach, based on awareness, and perhaps even more specifically, awareness of a most speculative nature, or that is to say, thought in its most speculative written form. So that’s the essence of these diary entries.
July 16th, 2020–my first entry in my new public/open online diary–which despite immense insecurity I found the nerve to write and share on this post
I would love to feel and think and act with less self-evisceration. Here is just one example. Yesterday I was thinking about journaling and then sharing the entry with you here on my blog however, I resisted because I feared that a stream-of-consciousness-ish approach to self-reflection, introspection, et cetera, that one would share… with “the world”… relatively unvetted as …
Best pathways, neural and other?– journal– Friday, July 17th, 2020
As you may see from yesterday’s post, for at least the time being, I’ve taken to a more focused and elaborate commitment to journaling, the most forceful and impactful inspiration being the neurologist Tara Swart and her book The Source. (A book by the way that seems to me so crucial to read for its empowering flood of practical …
Daily Routines, Anxiety..(Saturday, July 18, 2020)
The question of how to establish the most sufficient daily routine, not as an inflexible absolute but at least as a reasonable set of guidelines for how to budget one’s time throughout a day, is one which has lingered in my mind for many years. When did I first start consciously experimenting with possible routine planner/schedule/templates? I’m not sure …
Struggling to commit to a career…another one of my “phases”(Sunday, July 19th, 2020; 8:57 AM to 11:44 AM EDT)
I believe that one of my greatest strengths—a willingness to play the advocatus diaboli ( Latin for Devil’s Advocate) also is one my greatest weaknesses, making me vulnerable to abandoning, quitting on a proclaimed “dreams,” career aspirations, passions, long term career goals, potential fields of expertise; a handful of those close to me who also play the advocatus diaboli …
The Karate Kid Quits Karate To be a Movie Star, etc… (Monday, July 20, 2020)
I hope with storming intensity, as if (well, in my perhaps at times playfully hyperbolic micro- daydreams)..as if it were the Earth’s introduction to water… (In the Scientific American article written by “Everyday Einstein Sabrina Stierwalt” on October 6, 2019—“How Did Water Get on Earth?” https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-did-water-get-on-earth the theory explored is that an asteroid or comet, or both, brought water …
First Romantic Feelings, like Proust’s Pink Hawthorns; Tragic Death of a Babysitter (Tuesday, July 21, 2020)
Apparently, not this last night, but the night before I yelled in my sleep but neither Ashley nor I remembered what I yelled out. Usually when I yell in my sleep, it’s political. (Do you ever get a bout of paranoia, particularly when you’re writing, whether an email or anything anyone else is going to read that is …
My Grandmother’s Final Lesson, My Lies About Polyamory and Monogamy… (Wednesday, July 22nd, 2020)
The plot of last night’s nightmare revolved around my grandmother’s last few hours on a bed in the hospital. Similar to the view she appeared to hold and express the last time I saw her (in real life) and in fact the last year or maybe last few years, she did not fear dying and was more or less …
How was I to deal with these thoughts and feelings I could not condemn or “reason” away with science? (Thursday, July 23rd, 2020)
1. Simply Being Aware of Thoughts, Feelings, and Desires Have you ever asked yourself (weird as this question may seem to some of you) “do I REALLY think what I THINK I think? Haha. By the way– does that make any sense to you? More concretely (or at least as sort of concrete as one can be when …
Sexual Orientation, Philosophy, & Evidence (Friday, July 24th, 2020)
The Role of Philosophy in Forming Certain Sexual Thoughts, Feelings, Desires, and Speculations One reason it’s so hard for some of us to think about and discuss sex openly and comfortably, I suspect (and I emphasize the word “suspect”; just like the cops identify someone as a suspect but can’t yet compile quite enough EVIDENCE to make the arrest …
Contemplating Sexual Desires With Compassion (Saturday, July 25th, 2020)
Oh…striving for competence! And along with that, a conscience…embrace of ethics/morality (and already I see two different directions this stream of thoughts could go: 1)) deep into the abstract forests of why we might suppose such a thing as ethics/morality exists or…ought to be recognized as a conducive standard to living out of ***respect*** for others (((and what do …
Some of the Psychology of Interdisciplinary Thinking, the Covid Pandemic, and Erectile Dysfunction (Sunday, July 26th, 2020)
Learning to Reach for the Northern Star and Toss the Anchor into the Sea It is one of those mornings when the mind struggles to focus, not so much as a symptom of Attention Deficit Disorder…though some people claim to believe A.D.D. is my fundamental ailment or struggle with my constant shifts on objects of intense study and creative/academic/activist …
In Pursuit of ‘Making Something of Myself’” (Monday, July 27th, 2020)
The following is NOT an advertisement: I’m drinking “Allegro” coffee—the organic Early Bird Blend. Allegro describes its taste as “mellow, cocoa, and roasted nuts”; I’m glad they described it because I lack talent in describing tastes and scents. At least most of the time. When whiskey and wine have a good spiciness or when wine is especially dry (these …
When Containing Multitudes Feels Overwhelming and Flirting with Some Psychiatric/Neurological/Pharmacological Articles (Tuesday, July 28th, 2020)
As I suggested might benefit my chronic, life-long struggles to commit to a career advancement plan, I’ve been exploring records from various multimedia projects and recordings I’ve undertaken in past years wondering which turns of thought would best indicate the nature of previously broken commitments. Yesterday I cited, rather abstractly “fear, worry, pessimism, frustration” as fundamental to this personal …
A Glimpse Into How I Gave Myself Atychiphobia: ‘the abnormal, unwarranted, and persistent fear of failure’ (Wednesday, July 29th, 2020)
My therapist aptly noted how I rely at times far too much on other voices to inform my own. What do we mean by “voice” in this case? For let us please be clear that there’s a difference between self expression and that which, by virtue of constant empirical repetition, is as probable a fact as a recurring tendency …
Why honesty really does tend to seem like “the best policy” ( Thursday, July 30th, 2020)
The idea that “honesty is the best policy” and that it is virtuous/ethical/moral/the “right” or “correct” or “proper” principle to adhere to—I tend to agree. In the midst of my agreement I can’t help but laugh about it because there’s the more abstract and esoteric engagement with the principle—you know, those lists we keep in mind (whether consciously or …
A lot of marketing is manipulative bullshit! (“Sharing is caring”; “Let It Be”—sing it, Paul McCartney!) (Friday, July 31st, 2020)
Money can really fuck with one’s mind… worse than almost anything else except for maybe religious beliefs based on pure irrationality. As Bob Dylan sings in the song "It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)": money doesn’t talk, it swearsObscenity, who really caresPropaganda, all is phony (How do I distinguish the notion of religion “based on pure irrationality” from other …
Uttering the “F Word” While Searching for the Fruitful Knowledge-Apples From Trees of Mistakes (Saturday, August 1st, 2020)
One of the most negative thoughts that sometimes overpowers my capacities for reasoning, conferring with basic philosophical principles such as compassion (which in my view one owes to one’s self if one is to offer it to others with any effectiveness) and the optimistic framing of perspective that reiterates life’s and the universe’s (and/or multiverse’s?) aspects, is that I …
An exhale expressing gratitude for how blessed I am with the privilege and luxury of a day to relax (Sunday, August 2nd, 2020)
Recently we changed the pharmacy we use from Wallgreens to LCS Mail Order Pharmacy. https://lscmailorder.cornerdrugstore.com/?corpID=310100&pharmID=2180 This “mail order pharmacy” concept seemed potentially very troubling to me. Suppose someone does not receive her or his medications in the mail on time? I had put that concern to rest when I spoke on the phone with the seemingly very kind lady …
Too much CBD oil made me awfully, terribly paranoid (Monday, August 3rd, 2020)
*[Due to having been a touch "out of it" when this entry was originally written I thought it prudent to go through it and just make sure I didn't swerve into the utterly incoherent as I strive for quite the opposite when I write.]* [At approximately 7:45 am- 8:00 am—ish]: Notes. Policy. Got to make better policies…better politics. Our …
Tornado Watch, Meanwhile I think I may be a ‘Highly Sensitive Person’ (HSP) (Tuesday, August 4th, 2020)
I suppose the headline conversation along the East Coast is Tropical Storm Isaias. It’s the top homepage story on NJ.com. The headline reads: “Tropical Storm Isaias to blast N.J. with up to 75 mph wind gusts, heavy rain. Latest update on timing, track.” https://www.nj.com/weather/2020/08/tropical-storm-isaias-to-blast-nj-with-up-to-75-mph-wind-gusts-heavy-rain-latest-update-on-timing-track.html Of specific concern is the tornado watch https://www.nj.com/weather/2020/08/tornado-watch-issued-for-parts-of-nj-as-tropical-storm-isaias-nears.html The U.S. National Weather Service says “Tornado …