Investing more in my love, foundations, & fundamentals (Monday, August 17th, 2020)

*** I dedicate this entry to my wife, Ashley, who I just love so much and who has helped me delve deeper into the concept and meaning of self improvement and living “the good life.” Moreover, she has supported me tremendously over the last month as I’ve initiated and started developing this diary blog.

Thank you, Ashley. ***

It just occurs to me:

my anxiety is so embedded and in some respects so unconscious that in the midst of certain activities, like reading my emails, I race to complete them as quickly as possible as if chores as opposed to meaningful life to-do’s. I’m reading my emails this morning with unusual relaxation this morning because Raritan Valley Community College is on a week break… less sense of urgency to cross off everything I jot down on my daily planner (which by the way, I just love as it helps me adapt my consciousness to more of an hour by hour paradigm as opposed to something slightly less defined).

So just to give an example here: I noticed an email from WordPress… “just a newsletter” is often what I think when I see it, but I stopped for a second and thought, “hmm…I wonder what’s actually in these newsletters.”  

On article how to “Use Social Websites to Grow Your Audience” written by Chelsea Baldwin.

(Today I am doing another Susan Sontag style approach, at least for part of this entry, by taking notes as I think, read, and work… for example, now I am updating my WordPress profile—as I’m thinking about this concept of internet presence.

How am I “presenting” myself? How can I do so in a more honest yet succinct manner?

Hubspot has a recently published and rather elaborate article on this. [1]“15 About Us & About Me Pages + Templates to Make Your Own” Written by Lindsay Kolowich; )  If you will give them … Continue reading

We each are unique and in that sense whatever it means to be ourselves in theory is probably where we have the most novel something to offer.

Putting that in practice, however, is not easy and requires a lot of introspecting and a lot of challenging of one’s assumptions, I think.

In that sense, I don’t really have any idea as to what, IN PARTICULAR, I can offer another that no one else on Earth can offer, other than my explorations of my “self.” Maybe that’s a good talking point?

In the midst of reading the article and pdf I was inspired to create an official “contact page.” And I tweaked my introduction-about page – which does still require I think, more pruning that I’ll think of at any given time. **[2]Ever driving and have an idea all of a sudden and then feel frustrated because you can’t jot it down and you can’t pull over and you don’t want to forget it? As I may have mentioned before, a … Continue reading

I could read more articles from the WordPress newsletter but haven’t gotten to the rest of my email yet. Ah, the paradoxes of life, wanting to take more time to do x or y or n or z but still need to make sure one gets a, b, c, d, et cetera, done also so one can’t take too much time. And how much time is too much time?)

Yesterday I was reflecting on past projects and how I’d produced such a big body of work that doesn’t quite align with my current aesthetics and vision for my diary blog.

Yet on the other hand, what permits the work to retain some quality of interest for me is how at least each past project is a record of where I was in my soul at that time. So this morning I embedded a video documenting a few years (2007-2011) of video diary experiments I did. I don’t enjoy watching it (I dislike my younger self. However much one looks to mental unwellness and fate for explaining away regret, we still retain the capacity to experience regret and standards and responsibility. Fortunately, I believe I’ve gone out of my way to distinguish those episodes of my past that mortify me should anyone recall them from my more recent past where I’ve striven to become compassionate, healthy, constructive, reasonable, et cetera.)

I also thought a lot about romantic love yesterday, both in the abstract and the concrete, though it was the more concrete that actually stuck around in my mind:  my wife and how much I love her and her way of living. I don’t talk to you much about her because she likes her privacy.

For the past few months my thinking on romantic love, monogamy, polyamory, ethics, personality, orientation, fluidity, values, et cetera, was intense. Because I had never admitted to myself my polyamorous inclinations it all just piled up in my psyche until I had to examine it because it would not remain suppressed.

Did I want to assertively pursue a polyamorist lifestyle? Did I think it was ethical? Why or why not? Did I think ethics had nothing to do with it, i.e., was it more a question of sexual orientation? Could a monogamous person be with a polyamorous person and vice-versa? How much would it be worth to pursue one route or another?

These questions pressed on me like a long storm and troubled me when I struggled to answer but when I think of how much I love my wife and our life together, how much we have been through, and how many of the same values and interests we share and how they forge such a deep and complex connection between us—it is a very sacred thing, what Ashley and I have and I don’t believe in messing with sacred things, pushing one’s luck.

Also, even if I have the capacity to desire this or that, any given thing or person or experience, one cannot do all things.

You see, I believe that desires come with such a complex array of implications and ramifications from questions of ethics to questions of practicality. I mean to say, while I have a lot of desires about a lot of different things in life, I also don’t want to do or try to do “too much.”

What do I mean by too much? I just mean I don’t want to focus on so many things that I can’t focus very intensely on a few select things I love most of all, my life with my wife and dog being at the very top of my hierarchy.

I love our life together and love the way things are over-all (I mean, I want this blog to be my day job and I want my day job to make me a wealthy man but that’s a matter of persisting in developing a well informed and thought out plan and does not require me to attempt fundamentally rewiring the basics of my marriage. Does this make sense? One might say that one can have very strong fantasies but one may not always have a desire so strong as to compel one to do all one can to fulfill that desire. I do not desire polyamory enough to invest in it what it deserves… a lot of time and effort keeping multiple romantic relationships in healthy states. It’s far too removed from where I am in my soul and ambitions for me to dive into it )


1 “15 About Us & About Me Pages + Templates to Make Your Own” Written by Lindsay Kolowich; )  If you will give them your contact info they will give you a free 21 page pdf all on “About Us” writing. Symbiotic. I did some time in marketing and learned it’s a lot about contacting as many people as you can who, you have reason to believe at least, may be among the most likely to want what you have to sell.

The pdf says “To create a next level About Us page, the first step is to decide what your company’s unique identity is. What sets you above your competition? What can you offer potential customers that no one else can, and why you?”

Now, this sort of question is always something I struggle with because I really have ceased to view life through a competitive lens. I do indeed subscribe to the niche theory. That is to say, really, physically speaking, this is one occasion where I believe it can be helpful to take comfort in a degree of determinism. **((Funny how there are times when being fatalistic is maybe better psychologically, and at other times we need to suspend our realization of it and indulge in our illusions of free will and assert it….all a complex psychological idea I think….and I believe I read some of this from Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman in his book Learned Optimism

2 Ever driving and have an idea all of a sudden and then feel frustrated because you can’t jot it down and you can’t pull over and you don’t want to forget it? As I may have mentioned before, a project never seems done for me which is actually one reason why I love the diary. The goal is not to “finish” it. The goal is to preserve and sustain and grow it!

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