Opening myself up to receiving (Sunday, August 9th, 2020)

I was on hold with TD Bank for 19 minutes hoping to obtain some information regarding a “pending transaction.” Then I spoke with a kind lady named Becky. It’s interesting that I did not fully understand the bank’s definition of “pending” transaction. I assumed (I must stop doing that… as much as possible anyway) “pending” meant the charge had not yet been made. But she explained to me that in a pending transaction the money has been designated for the merchant but has not reached the merchant.

(There is so much I don’t KNOW about money.  

A dash of finance for my Sunday reading…

Reading “How Debit Card Processing Works for Merchants [Updated for 2020] By Francesca Nicasio; November 5, 2019” *[1] It didn’t have the information I was looking for… the more technological aspect… what actually occurs by way of technology communication when a debit transaction occurs? How does the “debit card network” work?

Reading a pdf book length document (skimming, I mean)… A Guide to the ATM and Debit Card Industry *[2]Fumiko Hayashi, Richard Sullivan, and Stuart E. Weiner Payments System Research Department FEDERAL RESERVE BANK OF KANSAS CITY Kansas City, Missouri, USA 2003; … Continue reading

Debit Card “industry infrastructure”—yes, that’s what I was looking for.

The document explains:

“EFT networks are the telecommunications and payments infrastructure linking consumers, ATMs, merchants, and banks. The physical components consist of ATMs,POS terminals, telecommunication connections, apparatus that route transaction information to appropriate parties, and computers that store deposit and transaction information” (page 6).

I am visualizing the computers…

Then there are “offline debit card networks” (pages 7-8). “Offline debit card networks are a telecommunications/payments infrastructure linking consumers, merchants, and banks…

“The physical components of the offline debit network consist of POS terminals, telecommunication connections, apparatus that route transaction information to appropriate parties, and computers that store deposit and transaction information.” (ibid.).

It boggles my mind how computers retain information, process information, recognize it, and move it about in particular ways. )

refund policies…

The pending transaction was an auto-renew for my subscription to Talkspace, which for about two months I was using as a platform to receive therapy while our health insurance plans were transitioning. I realize: ONE MUST REALLY KEEP AN EYE ON AUTO-RENEWAL POLICIES AND REFUND POLICIES because they do bite a little often enough. I was a day late on cancelling the Talkspace subscription. I feel rather stupid and irresponsible but at least I noted it now! And, to repeat one of my favorite quotes, as neurologist Tara Swart says:

“A mistake is only a mistake if we don’t learn from it and therefore train our brain not to repeat the pattern” *[3]from the book The Source, page 167

 I made a WordPress purchase—they’re running a virtual “Growth Summit” *[4] on Tuesday and I paid to attend but because I missed a few hours of work last week I don’t want to request this next Tuesday off so, not realizing this may occur and not realizing their refund policy I inadvertently suckered myself financially a bit. Their refund says one can only get a refund within 72 hours of the purchase. I went over the 72 hours.  

This morning I Purchased online subscription of creative non-fiction magazine. I didn’t recievbe access. I reached out to customer support. Then I was informed that the magazine hadn’t published this month due to Covid but would be in September. Now, unlike most publications that give you access to back issues, et cetera, apparently Creative Non-Fiction does not (or if they do it’s a separate expense) so I got nothing for my money at the time. I explained that this wasn’t mentioned anywhere in the proximity of the purchase pages online. Then the fellow helping me, Pablo, said “let me credit you for another magazine subscription.” I said I didn’t want that. I wanted my money back. So then he refunded me. It annoyed me that he said “let me” as if it was like the assumed notion that I would not want my money back but would want something else from him that I didn’t already buy. It’s patronizing and insulting in my opinion. Especially given the fact that I had already asked for a pure and clean refund, not another magazine. (To clarify, Creative Non-fiction uses a third party, Zinio—a digital magazine reader website and/or app *[5] so it was actually Zinio I was dealing with). … cbd oil & enhanced cognitive functioning? Yesterday I experimented with my CBD oil dosage since I had the free … Continue reading you might note that the subject matter did bring up some upsetting memories and associations such as how malfunctioning my brain was when it came to making the kinds of wise decisions that would help me earn more money—how its malfunctioning in fact led to dropping out of college and plunging me into a poverty ditch I’m still climbing out of. (I do keep thinking positively however. I use affirmation cards even:


I now have a satisfying earned income of over $1 million a month

I feel deeply satisfied with my financial situation

I find prosperity in simplicity

This is an abundant universe and there is plenty for all of us

I’m constantly gravitating towards more money and greater career opportunities.

The more I prosper he more I have to share with everyone else.

I think from a perspective of abundance rather than lack.

I deserve to be prosperous and happy. I am now prosperous and happy.

…There are a collection from a wide variety of different affirmation sources. Some I customized for myself, some are exactly as they were mentioned in the given book or article.)

I started my CBD oil dose at 8.326 mg about four times an evening (so roughly 33.304 mg—ish, as I may have had more or less on a given night). But yesterday I tried a 16.652 mg dose to compare how it felt with the single 8.326 mg dose. Within a half hour or so I transitioned from anxious, tense, edgy, tired, and a sort a generally negative mood to relaxed and even peaceful and jovial.

Placebo effect? I don’t think so because when I took a second 16.652 mg dose several hours later I felt, shall we say, rather altered. The alteration was overall not bad (at least since I was not doing anything of major consequence) but I did feel…how would I describe it? Well, by the way, for context, at the time I was budgeting. At FIRST I felt like I couldn’t think as I kept confusing things  — what each number/ dollar and cents amount was attributed to—but to be fair, in might be in part because I was doing certain math operations I hadn’t done in many years (I wanted to exercise my percentage conversion skills for example and this required multiplying and dividing fractions and also a little basic algebra—finding x) but as I got into it, and conferred with a few basic math sites I was suddenly on a math roll. I had transitioned from maybe a little “out of it” to suddenly feeling cognitively enhanced.

oh, the comforts and discomforts of determinism!

Moreover, despite the depressing reality of my financial numbers (currently I am only making $187 a week…thanks to student loans and a gift from my late grandfather’s estate I’m managing to go about day to day with some financial insulation, and also thanks to my wife not throwing me out for not making as much and not contributing as much; how lucky!!!!!!!!!! I am! I need to do a lot more gratitude expressing I do believe. But hopefully a little unemployment insurance will come my way. I have paid into it, was I was reminded me someone the other day, and have never taken from it before, so I don’t feel so guilty for filing to receive some now.

The other thing I want to do is start providing you kind readers with the option to donate if you enjoy reading these entries as much as you would a book or an article to a site you’d subscribe to, to read. I don’t assume you will or won’t. I also don’t really want to “ask.” Nor do I want to permit myself to succumb to conventional “marketing.”

I am trying to frame this all properly in such a way where I can view myself as deserving to turn my diary blog into my fulltime job without being audacious or absurd. What helps for me is seeing the sort of junk, bullshit, and stuff that doesn’t resonate with me that generates income for others. I figure that if my productivity is more ETHICAL than the productivity of another which again, creates junk, I figure, in that context it is more reasonable for me to be making a piece of that money than the junk producer.

So for example, I believe the effort I put into framing my thoughts is more worthy of money than president Trump. (I know it’s not saying much but if he is given so much wealth and power for destroying the country why should I not get some of that wealth and power for trying in my own way to project my image of the “better world” I wish to help make?)

I am trying not to view the business aspect of our relationship as awkward. As if now when we look at each other you will think “Sean O’Connor just wants my fucking money” and I will think, “oh, I hope you will drop a coin into my digital/cyber cup.” That’s not constructive though. Rather, the way I shall think of it is this: first of all, because I am what many philosophers refer to as a soft-determinist ( I believe fate/destiny is ultimately outside my control but that because I have the illusion of control and choice I do in a sense independently act on certain “options” that I contemplate) I do realize that inevitably those who do become donors, patrons of my art, financial supporters, investors, et cetera, they will do so if they’re…essentially…bound to do so. It makes very little sense, thus, for me to feel any sort of overt concern  over how I “market” beyond “putting it out there” that for those who reach the conclusion that my writing is worthy of financial reward, I am opening myself up to receiving.

That seems like a good line to close on and also a nice title for the day’s entry.   


2 Fumiko Hayashi, Richard Sullivan, and Stuart E. Weiner Payments System Research Department FEDERAL RESERVE BANK OF KANSAS CITY Kansas City, Missouri, USA 2003;
3 from the book The Source, page 167
5 so it was actually Zinio I was dealing with).

… cbd oil & enhanced cognitive functioning?

Yesterday I experimented with my CBD oil dosage since I had the free time and was curious. Plus, I fell into a depressed and anxious mood. If you happened to read yesterday’s entry – “Some of the context surrounding the 1st time I dropped out of college And thus set myself up for over a decade of poverty (Saturday, August 8th, 2020)”  *((

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