A Deeper Look Into the Psychology of Contemplating a Theory
“What did he look for in them? What attracted him to them? Isn’t making love merely an eternal repetition of the same?
Not at all. There is always the small part that is unimaginable. When he saw a woman in her clothes, he could naturally imagine more or less what she would look like naked (his experience as a doctor supplementing his experience as a lover), but between the approximation of the idea and the precision of reality there was a small gap of the unimaginable, and it was this hiatus that gave him no rest. And then, the pursuit of the unimaginable does not stop with revelations of nudity; it goes much further: How would she behave while undressing? What would she say when he made love to her? How would her sighs sound? How would her face distort at the moment of orgasm”
-Milan Kundera; The Unbearable Lightness of Being, p. 199
EMILE’S THOUGHTS
Polyamory,
what does it feel like to me
when I contemplate thee?
On the one hand it feels “free”
like wind or meditating
somewhere with a pleasant breeze
and even as if I were levitating
as I did in a series of recurring dreams
(though as I cultivated the skill to fly
into and through the sky
soaring
[1]like Aladdin and Jasmine adoring
Each other on their magic carpet rides
But as if like a fear of success
Causing me to regress
The flying in these dreams always led to fear
of a feeling so continually fear
deeper and deeper into new frontiers
as if some demonic force in an effort to scare
said how dare you feel like some sort of pioneer
and the demon would make the bliss and adventure disappear…)
but I also note that a thing,
whatever pleasure one thinks a given thing might bring
is not as it seems
and may not resemble how it plays out in one’s erotic dreams
and what does “free” really even mean?
It is physics that fixes the laws
of the perennial, meandering, braided stream
(Interesting geological question arose here. In my initial research on types of streams–which I undertook as an effort to improve my inclusion of more concrete and specific, detailed images—I was not sure if a stream could be both meandering and braided because all I was finding was examples of streams being one or the other. But as a challenge to this geographical “binary” [2]? I came across the article “Is Braided vs. Meandering a Valid Distinction?” by John Holbrook of Texas Christian University and Sarah Allen of Chesapeake Energy http://www.searchanddiscovery.com/abstracts/html/2019/ace2019/abstracts/2266.html)
Yeah, it is physics that fixes the laws
Of the perennial, meandering, braided stream
Of all that is in this mysterious universe’s scheme
But one consideration that redeems
My locus of control and experience
Of at least some sense of choice
Like what noise
I wish to make
When, towards orgasm, I begin to shake
(some women admit they fake
The noise
they make with their boy toys
a fear I’ve often had which so annoys me…)
isn’t that all “feeling free”
seems to be?
So to quote Jason Isbell
Because his words express well
What I want to tell
–“something more than free”—
Expanded consciousness
Resulting from a further examined wish?
I thought “I want to kiss that lady”
Who was a lady I wasn’t “with”
Another lady and I, we are “exclusive”
And HERE
comes the GUILT
That WILTS
my self esteem
Cut by the fleam
Of my super confused superego
Bloodletting
(in the form of upsetting and regretting
When I’d rather be forgetting)
a possibly blasphemed dream of pleasure
which if turned real my love would deem obscene
unclean,
Mean.
But –truly– would I?
Am I biased by my piousness?
If so, what might be fogging my judgement?
Why am I so reluctant
To desist with this discussion
And either let it lead me to something
new or to say polyamory is nothing I want to do?
In my fantasy
Polyamory
Seems like people in triumphant
States of compersion
In the nightmare version
It’s an adjustment I regret
Not just her jealousy
But the irony
of the second she met him
at the gym while talking a swim
their innocent attraction
led to chatty interaction
about monogamy
and how my apologies to her
for sharing my desires
were not enough for what she requires.
What do I do
with these thoughts and feelings I’ve acquired–
to so adore exploring the unique beauty
of the personality of each woman’s sexuality
…of each woman whose mentality, morality, and spirituality
Attracted and was attracted to my own
…every time so mind blown
to be shown
such exotic places within such connected souls
oh, how it consoles…
and yet
I still feel depressed
By the prospect
That somehow all my thoughts and feelings
arose as an act of disrespect
and should I ask if we can still make this work
that I’ll stop being such a jerk
she’ll say she doesn’t have any passion for me left…
But would if she could accept
the idea that each of us slept
With other people sometimes
And still be one another’s sacred rhymes?
That it crosses my mind
isn’t a crime
though the honesty could lead to pain
from which… what is their to gain?
That we come to know each other with greater depth
Is shedding an old paradigm wrong just because we wept
Like a convert who cried when she left
The church
Or the scientist who noted that it hurt
When his interpretation was proven wrong
Despite research he’d been conducting for so long
When the Beatles broke up to write their own songs…?
…ALYOSHA, ON MONOGAMY:
What is a sexual desire worth–
When one knows it is not the entire Earth?
Let alone the great big universe!
How much potential hurt
Weighed against feeling as though you’ll burst
If you don’t address the dry dizzying dearth
Of sex, which we note is not the same as love
but perhaps when it feels like you don’t get enough
of one or the other
from the one—let us call– your lover…